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| 04:39am 14/03/2008 |
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coming. home. hurts. so. much.
coming. home. hurts. so. much.
coming. home. hurts. so. much.
coming. home. hurts. so. much.
coming. home. hurts. so. much.
coming. home. hurts. so. much.
coming. home. hurts. so. much.
coming. home. hurts. so. much.
coming. home. hurts. so. much.
coming. home. hurts. so. much.
coming. home. hurts. so. much.
coming. home. hurts. so. much.
coming. home. hurts. so. much.
coming. home. hurts. so. much.
coming. home. hurts. so. much.
coming. home. hurts. so. much.
coming. home. hurts. so. much.
coming. home. hurts. so. much.
coming. home. hurts. so. much.
coming. home. hurts. so. much.
coming. home. hurts. so. much.
coming. home. hurts. so. much.
coming. home. hurts. so. much.
coming. home. hurts. so. much. oh. my. god. |
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no way
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| 10:29pm 16/11/2007 |
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it's the thought of that life lasting on through the night rolling onto my side kissing the mattress goodnight spitting in my hair spitting my hair hiding my coat spitting in my hair. |
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no way
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| 09:37am 24/03/2006 |
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i had a dream last night that there was "I SUCK" written in yellow paint on the road and a sweet looking old man was writing in thin black marker all around the edges of the yellow "i suck". i wanted to see what he was writing in the i suck so i got a little closer as taylor and i were talking and then the man looked up and noticed us and thought we were making fun of him but we weren't, i just wanted to see what he was doing and he sadly got up and left and i got really upset and taylor got mad at me and then the man was pulling out with his back right door open and i asked if he wanted me to close it for him and he said no it was open for his children to get in but i knew he didn't have any children so i got in and closed the door and expected him to thank me for being nice to him or to mention that he had thought wrong of me at first but he didn't and he backed out and i was in my old house again in the living room by the pass through that use dto be a window and i cried and emptied out my purse pathetically in front of me onto the tile and then i was in the back seat of a car again only my mom was driving patrick somewhere along the beach and it was tan inside and more like a station wagon or older car and i was in the back seat and basically didn't exist so i smoked a cigarette and i still didn't exist. i want to die as soon as i wake up now. i hate living. i hate being here. |
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no way
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| 07:55pm 15/12/2005 |
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my stomach hurts i'm all alone and i wish this weren't my home but it is even though i thought something else was. |
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no way
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| 11:03am 17/10/2005 |
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music: download the nuclear family if you can.
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i'm lucky and undeserving and lonely, i feel like term papers and joy division and water. there's one reason why i don't like the thought of my life ending, and it's good enough for me. my crying now is made worthless by my crying all the time, they look the same but they're not. i want to run away and live on the planitx bus. it doesn't exist. |
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1 giggle| no way
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| 12:14pm 17/08/2005 |
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oh chopsticks are so fun. and i had an aunt once and the lady who teaches the clss i had today has a voice with the same accent sort of as my aunts and it made me really sad. even though my aunt made me set the table for all of the guys and tried to teach me how to cook and was really dumb in that housewife way and would joke about how we cook and clean for the men but it wasn't funny to me. she was still the only relative i have who has ever been nice to me. she's my uncle's seond wife. they live in lake washington. i went shopping with her a lot. i feel gross. i wish taylor were here. i like henry's dress. i wish taylor were here. taylor i wish you were here. |
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no way
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| 08:50pm 10/07/2005 |
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i'm happy about covering the sick lipstick song. our whole set i'm going to feel really anxious and i won't want to wait for the end when we play it. derp, i don't even play anything in it but i'm still excited. but scared. because what am i supposed to do, just stand there? i guess. ucf how can you do this to me. lately i've been wishing for people think i'm pretty or attractive, people in the store, people online, people in their cars next to me but that's dumb of me because i know what really matters. boobs. but i'm only joking. camping this week will be fun, because rock springs/kelley park is fun. and so are bathing suits. oh gosh bathing suit. i wish i knew if i'm going to be accepted or not, it's reminding me of days in the orphanage when all of the parents would walk by and i'd get my hopes up and wait but then find myself in the same room with 12 beds for more and more and more months. |
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1 giggle| no way
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| 06:43am 03/07/2005 |
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looking out the window but the windows closed evacuating entire schools with cigarette smoke close your eyes turn up the noise so they don't know that when you laugh it's only because they're the joke. you spend all your time overanalyzing everyone one else you never find the need to pay any mind to your own self, and when i drive to your house i turn everything off before getting there, when i arrive i just want out because i went so far but we got nowhere. you say you're on your own now but your friends can see you're just alone, but friends are friends when words aren't words i can't think of anything else and i don't want to bother with it because it turned out crappy, sad. |
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no way
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| i don't get it. |
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| 01:20am 20/06/2005 |
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mood: i feel sick, ly music: taylor
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i wonder if i'll get pretty when i move away, i wonder why i can't sleep tonight, i wonder if that kid was right, i'm going to go stare at the back of my eyelids some more, what am i doing, i'm so confused right now, simple simple thoughts, wow, there's so much spit in my mouth, and my hair is doing nicely by the way, thanks for asking, in short, it's getting long, i've gotten into the bad habit of feeling skinny, and pretty, everything seems better when you don't have it, like people, like food, like the internet, and then you have it, not so great, but isn't it nice to know that you still want it when you have it, i think it is and the four letters have been so abused by everything that they don't seem too adequate to describe what i feel anymore, but i'll ignore it, and still say love, for the sake of simplicity. i'm so tired, i've apologized to god. |
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5 giggles| no way
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| 02:06pm 06/06/2005 |
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mood: srving as jrdns amsmnt isncool music: at the drive-in
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dear dino and taylor,
whenever we try to get together to play music, it never happens, we only record songs, we never play, we can't even remember half the shit we've done, this is lame.
love, jamie
my skin is so orange, it's not even my fault. i've gone to the beach during the day once since lifeguarding stopped last year. kristen hasss the nicest pale pretty skin. taylor and caitlin and her cousin ("ed") and i saw star wars last night and it was suuuuuch cheeeese. it reminded me of laura the whole time, that's how tacky it was. oh ouch. taylor was over and i threw a huge fit about him, as my son, being gay, because i found a ribbon he had safety pinned into a cute ribbon, and how i didn't clothe and feed him and put a roof over his head his whole life for him to turn out a, dramatic choke, H-HOMOSEXUAL. i found the ribbon he made in my bathroom and i walked out in the living room holding it up and i said to my mom "did you do this?"(just wondering) and taylor said "that was me". it was really funny because then i threw his little "home decorating" project down on the ground and stomped it into the rug saying no son of mine would become miss home decorator. i really went all out. i grabbed him by the wrist and told her i was taking him to boot camp and that her son would be back to her soon and not to cry and then i slammed the front door and yelled get in the car dont talk to me. anyway, she didn't stop watching t.v. even once. i wish she thought i were funny or different or anything at least once. she could even think i was crazy, just something. anyway, now i'm sad and i have to hang out with jordan, it's that time of the week again. fuck. |
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4 giggles| no way
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| the trees, their leaves they die all around you and me, awhoa |
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| 02:47am 04/06/2005 |
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mood: SHIT music: my really scratched aislers set cd this makes me want todie
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ughh taylor and i are really out of our minds, but only in the life threatening non productive, gaining nothing out of it way, which for me is far more acceptable than the out of your mind so you have to write deep dark poetry and paint shit and ponder the sky way. i'm glad though. him jumping out of my car at 27 miles an hour showed true friendship. as did me demanding that he let me wear his pants for 2 hours instead of practicing our songs. pointless persistance and careless bravery, yeah, that's what holds friendships together. hahahahaha.a ah. i'm driving to gainesville for melt banana tomorrow (tonight?). only, jordan is the one that talked me into it, and he wants to go with me, but i want to go with taylor, but i wouldn't even be going if it weren't for jordan. ughhh either way i'm shitty, because i was supposed to go with taylor. i want to go with taylor. of course i want to fucking go with taylor. errrgh. taylor and dino and i played the sassy experience board game tonight. of course i'm upset right now, god (taylor won.) he didn't deserve it dino. him accepting that easy win was the least sassy thing he could have done. i wanted to throw him out of the fucking window, i was GOING to win. |
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no way
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| 10:31am 31/05/2005 |
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my mom is gone until friday. taylor and i cleaned my house yesterday, and it oesn't look disgusting anymore. taylor made a really good song yesterday too. it's about the ocean water oh it put out the fire it was one you never saw, i understand not a word you said too busy hanging on the words you said, whaoa-slimy things and ghostly beings around us in the sea, we sail away on to the stars like so many lost before us and i forget how it really goes but then it goes my class is cold i bet it's haunted there's nothing dangerous in riding this sail ship, the trees their leaves they die all around me tiny sails, wind stars, whaoa slimy things and ghostly beings around us in the sea, and we sail on to the stars like so many lost before us and yeah that's basically how it goes. anyway, it sounds really good and i can't wait to play it at our show. i was going to write something else. but i forget. probably about how much of a bratty fuckface i am. bye!
NO I REMEMBER WHAT I WAS GOING TO SAY! ohgosdh! UGLY BALDING KEVIN!!!!! the creepy gross one, that was really mean to linsey, and how can you be mean to linsey????? anyway, in steak n shake, i stared at him at the counter where you pay for like 3 minutes, and then jordan+i took about 15 packets of kethcup + jelly and smeared it all over that fuckers car, and i put a whole thing of smuckers mandarin orange jelly up in his door handle. shityeah! we only did that because jordan stopped me from spitting my glass of water on him because he didnt think we should make a scene and i was angry until he started putting all of the packets into my purse because then i knew we were going to do something cool. fucking kevin, disgusting grtoss keviun. |
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5 giggles| no way
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| 04:02am 29/05/2005 |
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there are boys who fight other boys and there are girls who hate other girls and there are mothers and fathers who can't stand each other and there are times where i don't feel mine and there are days when i forget all reasons to stay and there are pages in notbooks that never became filled up and there are minutes of hours we wasted on others and i can't seem to find my place i only know that it's not here, when you are the only shape that my fingers will trace, the maps i've made in my mind all begin to disappear because you are the nicest home that my mind will ever know..i will never be a boy, who will fight another boy and you will never be a girl who will hate another girl we'll never be a mother or father who can't stand each other if all i do is hate myself it's really quite impossible to think i have a slightest amount of stability to make a new and improved me because that's how we get boys who hate ther boys and girls who fight other girls and more mothers and fathers who can't stand each other.
it's so sloppy and only i would get what i'm talking about, and i know chan marshall likes doing that but i really like letting people know what i'm talking about, it takes more effort to let people know what you're saying and still keep it in art. carolyn berk is so amazing with that. it's about me feeling insecure about how much i really suck at livingmy life to where i could never have a kid for fear of it turning out just as terrible as i am as a result of me and my lack of ability to turn anything to anything other than shit. it's a big blaming parents song for being so shitty and selfish in wanting their chance so badly to create this thing that's really just a new form of them that they can make better before making themselves better first, or thinking they can make the new form of them better so they don't have to make themselves etter, because it's somehow the same thing and takes their mind of of their own crappy selves. fucking shitty selish suckass parents. |
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2 giggles| no way
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| 12:32am 28/05/2005 |
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i feel so sad right now and not okay and i'm in a little ball and i'm in front of my computer and i feel so sad and i haven't moved for a long long time and i swear i'll get huge if i do this too much and i feel horrible and your stupid cell phone cut out, i didn't hang up on you, but i'm not sure if i care which you think anyway since you didn't even care to call back, and when i tried, my caller i.d. siad "PRIVTE NAME PRIVATE NUMBER" because marcos is a fuck face and you're such a dick to say "well he's no dylan, if that's what you expect" because that doesnt make any sense of you to say anyway. hes no dylan, what? and neither are 95% of the people i like, so? marcos isn't a kid, he doesn't seem like he even has anything inside of him at all, and he's only friendly to girls that he thinks he might be able to put his thing into. i was just saying how friends of mine randomly stopping by is invited, however when it's not even a person who opens up to people, and not a perosn i know, or can get to know, and not a peerson who is even coming here to be with friends, but only a person coming here to look for a certain friend to come amuse him, and then stand with his arms fucking fuolded against himself next to my door unmoving for an hour, it's not so fucking invited. whatever. i'm so upset and sad and tired i'm tired i'm upset i don't want to see you i don't care if you care or not. |
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1 giggle| no way
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| gorillaz album comes out tuesday? |
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| 11:29pm 23/05/2005 |
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mood: i'm sort of sad music: i wish taylor's new songs were on cd so evry1 could hear
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so currently, i am on the phone with an asleep (and snoring!) taylor. i could turn my head slightly to the left and loudly static the phone, or press numbers, or say taylor shoogleboogle wakeup!, but im way too into this grape popsicle to be making any decisions of that sort and i figure that by the time there's nothing left but a wooden craft stick, i'll have a pretty good idea of what i'll do. i just finished the popsicle and i've decided none of the above, his funny snoring is actually cute, and i really like it. i think i'll eventualy just go to sleep on the phone too, then we can both be sleeping on the same phone line!! how fun!
p.s. :( nevermind, he rolled over and wasn't snoring into the phone anymore so i made loud sounds into cupped hands around the receiver and he woke up and we said good night and now i'm alone and going to sleep and rilo kitty is more like rilo creepy cuz he keeps staring at me. my arm says i killed tituba. that's what dino said, then i wrote it on my arm. this summer won't b bad. haha. b bad. oops i forgot this was a p.s. i like popsicles |
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no way
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| 08:14pm 19/05/2005 |
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actually, everyone is pretty lonely when i think about it. i wish i could have spent time with taylor today but when i talked to him on the phone an hour ago, all he really told me was that he wastes my time and ruins my life. all i could say is "that's not true". i wanted to do something nice for him for his birthday, and i thought it would be fun to get friends over here and i would pick him up from school, you know the very standard surprise all of your friends are here type of thing, but then i remembered that we don't really have many friends anymore, and i wouldn't know what to do with everyone once we all said happy birthday when he walked in anyway. i wish i could be nicer to taylor and not make him so upset. i look forward to the summer and camping in caitlin's trailer with her (is that going to happen still?)and tennessee and midnight movies and having taylor secretly spend the night and going swimming and playing a show or two and probably getting drunk. yes, that's good enough. then college if i get accepted, god i won't know what to do with myself. ohyeha my mom bought me a new nikon manual camera for my graduation present, and it was really nice of her. i'm glad she didn't get me a laptop, i was so afraid of that. i just don't want a stupid laptop, more responsibility, more to feel crappy about. when i was taking a shower tonight i started to feel bad for "cheating" on jordan so frequently and without guilt, but then i remembered that i had broke up with him seven times and it wasn't until the third time that i started. |
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2 giggles| no way
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| 12:18am 16/05/2005 |
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i'm not up to driving over to lockmar and sneaking taylor out tonight. i don't know why, i usually always am. i wish he were allowed to call me so i could have told him i didnt want to. i cant even think of a good reason. its not the drive, really. it's just the stressyness of tip-toeing through his yard to his window and worrying and then having to get him back by a certain time. and it's dark all the way there and around his house, and it's quiet, and it's cold against my skin, and everything is timed, and it's a bad feeling. i feel very guilty and sad. i didnt even tell him what time i was coming over tonight, i just said if i dont talk to you before, ill see you later. so he might be waiting for a long time. i feel terrible. i really dont want to go over there and do that right now, im feeling badly, i just want to sleep. |
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2 giggles| no way
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| being secret |
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| 03:07pm 24/04/2005 |
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mood: wakeuppppppp music: land, escape!
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you could say hey want to add me and i could say hey yeah i'll add you and then the rest could be history. HISTORY. |
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1 giggle| no way
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shesailswithme's journal